"I want him in my life... ."

We are most attracted to the people who remind us of the way that we were abused, exploited, or neglected in the past.

Maybe some part of you cannot leave your husband until you figure out how to resolve your past trauma by reliving it from a position of control.

I'm not saying you must leave, or advising you to leave. I'm suggesting that you explore the trauma that drive your desire for resolution, and set about resolving it without relying on controlling his behavior. Then, you will be able to see him more clearly.

https://medium.com/storygarden/relationship-chemistry-explained-f23fdca9ba84