I’m gonna offer you something here Kati Pierce that’s a little different from what you’re suggesting, because Medium really, really wants me to read your story (and their algos are probably smarter than the both of us).
Your advice to focus on yourself, and your description of the object of your romantic interest as unworthy of your time and effort, will help you feel better in the moment. And it will not help you find the long-lasting, satisfying relationship you seek.
To be in that constructive, loving relationship, you must attune yourself to the other, not yourself. You must answer the question, “What do I offer them, from their perspective?”
It’s an exercise in empathy, also called perspective taking.
The times in my life when I’ve behaved like a smitten schoolgirl were because I had legitimate, unmet emotional needs, and I became fixated on one person whom my unconscious mind was convinced was my only opportunity to resolve my trauma. There is no shame or embarrassment in that.
What worked for me when I was focusing on myself was figuring out what my trauma was, and how to resolve it without that person on whom I was fixated.
