When “I’m Sorry” is just a defense mechanism
In Mark Greene’s post on self-flagellation by false apology, he reasons that “I’m sorry,” is a weapon he uses to shame himself.
I see it differently.
In Mark’s case, he’s uses “I’m sorry,” as a low-status defensive mechanism. He’s essentially saying, “Don’t bite me. I don’t taste very good.”
Defensive mechanisms are not weapons. We use them when we feel threatened, to keep us safe.
It’s only after using the low-status defensive mechanism that the self-flagellation begins for Mark. At some point, Mark probably would like to have the courage to experiment with high status defensive mechanisms. Those sound like, “Don’t bite me. I bite back.”
When some part of Mark realizes that he failed to practice high status communications, and (once again) went low, he experiences a myriad of negative emotions like regret and shame. It’s these emotions that are the real weapons.
According to Mark’s account, he is now self aware enough to recognize that his low status offerings aren’t getting him what he wants, because they feed into a culture of victimhood that leaves him helpless.
The irony is that he’s written a post that can be interpreted as displaying his victimhood to elicit sympathy from readers. Judging from the comments, it worked. But his post is still a low status defense mechanism.
Which means that Mark is making progress towards shedding the victim posturing… he just isn’t all the way there yet. To progress further, he’d do well to adopt the attitude of a champion.
